Tuesday 6 October 2015 by Danny Soz

Remote African tribe looking forward to getting on each other’s nerves on Facebook


Facebook satellite coming to Africa

A new Facebook satellite providing Internet access will bring essential passive aggressive updates and irritating status messages to remote African villagers.

Village elders in a small village in The Democratic Republic Of Congo have spoken of the excitement amongst fellow villagers when news broke of the development.

Speaking through an interpreter he said, “We are all so excited and can’t wait to irritate the hell out of each other with puerile, crass and horribly misinformed status updates.”

“I also know for a fact that many of the villagers are looking forward to whining about their ailments and vague comments about the behaviour of ‘some people’ who will of course remain nameless.”

“Even though there are only 17 people in the village.”

“My sister is an extremely greedy woman, who will definitely be posting pictures of plates full of cakes and other horrendously unappetising foods.”

“This is bound to result in other womenfolk from neighbouring villages making thoroughly unconvincing comments, such as, ‘Mmmmmmmm looks scrummy babes!’.”

“Personally, I’m looking forward to the opportunity of acting the complete giddy arsehole.”

“Posting images containing deep political and philosophical dogma that goes way over my head, sexually harassing women I don’t know, and posting countless pictures of my hideous, bastard cat.”

A spokesperson for Facebook said last night: “We think it’s tremendously important that people in remote parts of Africa are subjected to the same will-to-live-sapping tedium that our site provides in the developed world.”

“We have already carried out a feasibility study amongst a remote tribe in Papua New Guinea and I’m happy to report that within days of their logging on, there was a sustained outbreak of killing and cannibalism.”

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