Tuesday 6 October 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Limousines to be rebooted


Limousine Hen Party

Limousines are to be started again from scratch after being thoroughly tainted by hen parties and sixth form proms.

The luxury car, once an enigmatic symbol of status and luxury, has suffered an image crisis ever since hiring them became affordable to terrible people.

“It’s all gone to shit,” concluded Simon Williams, head of UK limousines.

“Once we would transport foreign dignitaries, Lords, and people who have been on the cover of the New Statesman.”

“Now we ferry around packs of drunk women who insist on flashing their tits out the sunroof.”

“This isn’t what limousines are for. They’re supposed to whisper ‘I’m better than you’ as they glide through the streets, not yell ‘look at my tits, you bastard’ while leaving a nightclub in Slough.”

“We’ll scrap the lot, then we’ll rebuild them and make them more expensive, because at least rich people know how to behave with dignity.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, this prostitute won’t tend to herself.”

The Limousine will be relaunched in 2017, with a special event to be attended by well-to-do, decent individuals.

“No hen parties,” stated Williams.

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