Monday 5 October 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Britain reaffirms love for unsafe sex, bad weather and worse music


Glastonbury 2016

Britain has solidified their love for STIs and pissing rain after tickets for Glastonbury sold out within half an hour.

Standard tickets for the “music” festival were going for £228, or half the price of a decent telly that you could have bought to watch the music from your nice, warm house.

“Yeah, but that won’t get me laid” grinned Simon Williams, a 32 year-old bank clerk.

“My personality usually precludes me from acquiring any reasonable degree of vagina, but on returning from Glastonbury I had so many STIs that the doctor recommended a course of pills and about ten minutes with a sanding machine.”

“Plus there’s something about standing in the rain that makes music so much better. Don’t ask me what it is, for I cannot hear you over the sound of my bank account yelling in pain.”

No bands have been announced for Glastonbury 2016 yet, which might make the selling out of tickets even more mystifying.

“It’s not about the music” insisted 21 year-old student, Abby Weaver, “it’s about the mud; it’s about the swarms of middle-aged men rubbing against you while drinking from a warm tin of cider.”

“That’s the dream.”

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