Saturday 3 October 2015 by Formelia Alberthine

Playing dead to be added to US school curriculum


Playing dead in US schools

The act of playing dead is to be added to the school curriculum across the United States.

Authorities feel the additional skill will supplement regular academic subjects, providing students of all ages with the best possible opportunity to survive the next inevitable gun massacre.

A spokesman for the US Department of Education, Chuck Williams, disputed the move was caving in to the whims of the pro-gun lobby.

“Everybody knows entering the education system in the United States is like entering a war zone,” he told assembled journalists.

“And point-blank gunfire is very much a part of that.”

“Accordingly, it is important that all students are fully prepared for the challenges they are likely to face at some point in the classroom, and in the playground.”

“So learning the art of ‘playing dead’ is now both practical and fun, particularly given bullet-proof vests aren’t yet available in sizes that fit children under ten.”

Student, Zara Blair, was angered that the lines between education and survival were being blurred.

“It’s like going on a dinghy and practicing an evacuation drill in the event of torpedo fire,” she said.

NRA spokesman Wayne Lapierre warned those intent on murdering their class-mates would now face new challenges of their own.

“Can you imagine going through weeks and weeks of planning, and then firing off one round only to find all of your targets in class are suddenly on the floor feigning death?”

“Where’s the satisfaction in that?”

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