Wednesday 30 September 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Thames Water issues first Mars water bill


Mars Water bill

Thames Water have wasted absolutely no time in calculating Mars’ water bill.

The firm were popping champagne corks after NASA announced that dark streaks on the planet’s surface were probably caused by water, rather than by your mum.

“Brilliant,” said Simon Williams, a 32 year-old Thames Water billing prick.

“After usage and drainage fees, which we can definitely work out from those streaks, I reckon they owe us a good few grand.”

“Don’t ask us how we came to that conclusion, it’s too much for your mortal mind.”

Thames Water’s CEO, Robert Sharp, said “One or two people have argued that Mars might be a little outside our catchment area.”

“And it’s that lack of creativity that explains why those people are not CEO at Thames Water.”

“We will be sending Mars a bill just as soon as we’ve determined their postcode, which we’re sure will be the next tidbit revealed by NASA.”

“We’re not sure how we’re going to pursue them if they don’t pay up, but then that’s what we pay our lawyers for; that and scaring the life out of pensioners.”

“Hooray for space!”

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