Tuesday 29 September 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Unreasonably rich man backs unreasonably expensive thing


Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has given his blessing to a product that costs an extortionate amount of money.

The Mayor of London lent his support to “Cereal Killer”, a “café” that sells cereal for a fiver a bowl and fuck-all else, after it was targeted by an angry group of protestors unhappy with the gentrification of bits of London that are otherwise awful.

“Immensely expensive commodities are the lifeblood of London” insisted Johnson, Lemon-Flavoured Coco-Pops dribbling from his chin.

“Without these daring individuals, we might never know what it’s like to pay four pounds for a bowl of cornflakes, and I’d rather not imagine that world.”

Roger Thompson, a 32 year-old taxi driver, said “I would.”

“In fact, I regularly imagine that world; usually when some gonk who’s made a fortune by opening a specialist cheese shop in Brixton brags in the back of my cab.”

“Cereal Killer” is expected to re-open next month, commemorating the occasion with a blue-cross sale.

“The blue cross is actually a multiplication sign, because everything is going to be twice as expensive” beamed the owner.

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