Tuesday 29 September 2015 by DavyWavy

Hipster civil war breaks out in Shoreditch


Hipster civil war

Open hostilities have broken out between Hipster factions over whether Golden Grahams or Dorset Muesli is the better breakfast, according to reports this morning.

The two sides came to blows last night after UN mediated talks broke down when a £3.50 bowl of Shreddies was found to be insufficiently sugared.

Key Hipster infrastructure was targeted in the violence, including several boxes of Krave, a bag of marshmallows, and a case of bottles of beard oil, which reports indicate will make things ‘slightly difficult’ for almost a dozen people for several days.

Early casualties appear light, with only several torn check shirts and one ‘badly ruffled’ quiff being reported.

A spokesman for depressingly Middle-Class faction Class War told us that their objective was to actively degrade the ability of their enemies to have a bowl of Sugar Puffs until they were forced to eat a proper breakfast of bacon and egg, and only in the morning at a proper time too.

However, speaking from behind a hastily-constructed barricade of Weetabix, Hipster moderates appear unbowed and vow to continue with the cultural traditions of eating Rice Crispies in a postmodern and ironic way, growing beards which will be as fashionable as mullets in about six months, and generally being slightly annoying figures of fun.

“They can take our lives, but they’ll never take our Cap’n Crunch!” one told us, defiantly waving a spoon.

The International community has offered support to rehouse streams of refugees who are pouring out of Shoreditch; not because of the violence, but because they’re sick of squabbling self-referential twats ruining what used to be a perfectly nice place to live.

However, reports are already suggesting that hipsters might be infiltrating the refugees, with watchdogs on the alert for ironic 50’s-styled tattoos, Mumford & Sons Spotify playlists, and mum & dad’s phone number on speed dial to ask for loans.

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