Tuesday 29 September 2015 by Danny Soz

Furore as London turns down chance to watch drug-users on pushbikes


Tour de france not in London

There was a degree of consternation amongst British sports lovers yesterday following the decision by Transport For London to pull out of hosting the start of the Tour De France in the capital.

TFL blamed the cost of hosting the event and also pointed to the extra strain on cleaning staff, who would be burdened with the task of scraping up the remains of competitors who had been knocked down and killed by lorries and buses turning left.

Some ordinary Londoners and members of the business community we spoke to were dismayed by the last-minute decision not to host the event; which has often been blighted by revelations that most, if not all, of the competitors, are using performance-enhancing drugs.

Toby Carter, a chemist from Paddington said, “It’s a tremendous blow to my business. The last time the tour was staged here I made an absolute pile, just from the sale of syringes and needles alone.”

Del Tracy, a cycling enthusiast from Bow in East London, was also upset at the decision. He told us, “I was really looking forward to throwing bottles of piss at the French riders, and so was my wife.”

Not everyone was downbeat, however. Nigel Farage, the leader of the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party appeared jubilant when he spoke to reporters.

“This is a common-sense, pragmatic decision. If you set aside the fact that the vast majority of these cyclists will be unwelcome foreigners, you have to consider national security.”

“Lord alone knows how many Islamic terrorists will be amongst the riders just waiting for an opportunity to toss bombs into the crowd, not to mention to steal British people’s jobs.”

Tour organisers are now looking for an alternative venue, with Marseille, famous for its drug smuggling reputation, among the favourites.

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