Monday 28 September 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Free chips and Topless Wednesdays are Labour’s first ‘People’s Policies’


Jeremy Corbyn on Labours people's policies

Jeremy Corbyn is regretting his decision to consult with the wider membership of the Labour party on policy decisions after ‘free chips’ and ‘topless Wednesdays’ were selected as the first policies of the new Labour opposition.

“Yes, I’ll be honest, I had hoped that the Membership might wish to tackle austerity or Trident,” said Mr Corbyn yesterday whilst not singing the National Anthem.

“But if they decide the provision of free chips and topless Wednesdays are Labour’s most pressing policies, then who am I to argue.”

“I mean, some might say that the Membership are a bunch of ill-informed, slack-jawed, witless cretins…but as they voted me in, I certainly can’t.”

However, it does seem that the policies may be finding some popularity amongst the wider electorate.

“Topless Wednesdays?” Said assistant milliner and virgin Simon Williams.

“Well, I mean, it certainly has my attention. As a life-long Tory voter, I’ve never seen a pair of actual lady boobs actually in the flesh, and provided I keep my eyes closed as Mum pours my cereal in the morning…well, it’s an interesting idea.”

The Tories however, were confident that they would be able to close down any debate on the policies.

“Easy,” said one senior unnamed Tory.

“We’ll hide a camera in Eric Pickles office and turn up the heating at lunchtime and then everyone would see what topless Wednesdays and free chips would really look like.”

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