Friday 25 September 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Woman with crap imagination urged to set next fantasy tale outside Primark


Primark assault faked

A woman who lied about an assault in a Primark store has been described as having an utterly shit imagination.

Caroline Starmer fabricated an encounter where a security guard snatched a baby from her bosom while breastfeeding.

“It’s just shocking” said fantasy author, Martin Bishop, “how utterly lacking in creativity and aspiration must you be that you can’t even set your fantasies in a vaguely interesting place?”

“Nobody was expecting Mordor here, but at least dignify yourself by setting your story in a Debenhams or something.”

Eleanor Shaw, retail assistant, agreed.

“If you’re gonna lie, go mental.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Barbara Cartland, but if I was going to make something up that would clearly be exposed as a pile of bollocks, I’d have said that a dragon cornered me in Harrods and made off with one of my nipples.”

“Of course, that’s utterly ridiculous. I could never afford Harrods.”

Starmer has been found guilty of perverting the course of justice, and will be forced to read the works of Terry Pratchett until she dares to dream to an acceptable standard.

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