Friday 25 September 2015 by Formelia Alberthine

Heinz shares plunge following beans emissions probe


Heinz Beans emissions

The share price of American food giant Heinz has tumbled after news leaked of an emissions probe focused on their various baked bean ranges, according to reports.

Company insiders agreed Heinz management were aware of their product’s propensity for enforcing multiple gassy exits per tin, but denied that efforts were made to conceal the evidence from authorities.

A spokesman for Heinz, Simon Williams, assured customers they were doing everything necessary to cooperate with the investigation.

“Heinz Baked Beans have been the backbone of the British working class dining experience for decades, and it should therefore come as no surprise to consumers of some of the, ahem, side-effects,” he told us.

‘To suggest Heinz willfully intended to disguise this fact from the FSA or anyone else is quite frankly preposterous.”

“Admittedly our promotional anal silencer offered with a 4-pack in the 1970’s now looks a little misguided, but we recommend the FSA attend any post-bean front room approximately 45 minutes after consumption to assess if their has been any cover-up.”

Williams went on to suggest the environmental benefits of harnessing the energy created by the Heinz range could eventually lead to a positive outcome for shareholders.

“We have long discussed at board room level the concept of issuing miniature family wind farms, piece by piece, with purchases of Heinz beans.”

“These would be installed in bathrooms up and down the land hooked up directly to the grid, propelled by a family of 4 crouching and emitting in environmental harmony.”

“I’m sure 1-watt per 10,000 tins sounds very attractive to investors.”

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