Friday 25 September 2015

Deeply unpleasant woman gets job at utterly repugnant paper


Katie Hopkins

Katie Hopkins now works for the Daily Mail in a professional marriage that could literally have fallen from the arse of Satan himself.

The most horrific tabloid columnist has joined the most horrific newspaper pretending not to be a tabloid, in an attempt to open a gateway directly to Hell.

“It is the end of times, clearly,” said newspaper reader Simon Williams.

“I always thought the apocalypse would be signalled by the four horsemen, or a swarm of locusts or something equally biblical.”

“But actually it’s the coming together of two of the planet’s most powerful forces for evil. Why did we not see this earlier?”

Katie Hopkins joins Daily Mail

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre celebrated the announcement by bathing in the blood of virgin immigrants and hosting a party for his new star columnist.

Dacre explained, “We at the Daily Mail pride ourselves on bringing you the most abhorrent opinions known to man, and I’ve always been jealous of Katie’s ability to stoop so low she’s practically underground.”

“Whether it’s dead refugees floating in the sea, or letting suicidal prisoners just kill themselves, we think that with a sprinkle of Daily Mail magic she can link these opinions to some form or health crisis and really turn the dial up to 11.”

“Once we agreed to carve her office from brimstone she couldn’t wait to join.”

“Her first column is coming soon. We know you can’t wait.”

“We know it.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)

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