Thursday 24 September 2015

Everything fine, as long as it didn’t do you or your grandad any harm


Grandad drinks

Walloping children, taking enormous amounts of drugs and drink-driving are all to lose their social stigmas as long as you can prove it didn’t do any harm to at least one person you know.

Overwhelming public demand means that empirical evidence will now be considered a distant second to some twonk on Facebook arguing that he should be allowed to smoke in a car with children because his dad put him through the same unpleasant thing and he’s basically fine.

“Finally,” beamed Simon Williams, some twonk off of Facebook.

“No longer will people be able to look down on me as I down six pints and then pop off in the car.”

“Their judgmental faces will be a thing of the past when I tell them my uncle was a regular drink-driver and he’s never been caught or, miraculously, never crashed into anything or killed anyone.”

It is thought that the death rate will rocket over the coming months as a result of the new policy.

“But it will mainly be morons dying, so it’s fine,” said Malcolm Jones, a spokesperson for the Ministry of Health.

“We’re going to give everyone who uses anecdotal evidence over actual science a little bell so everyone will know to get the hell out of their way, a bit like lepers in the old days, except these people are lacking an ability to extrapolate from actual evidence rather than lacking limbs.”

Simon Williams countered with “My grandad never extrapolated from actual evidence, and it never did him any harm.”

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