Friday 18 September 2015 by Lucas Wilde

‘M’ demands greater powers for double-0 agents to drink, shag women and kill bastards


MI6 greater powers

The Head of MI6 has insisted that her operatives need a wider scope to save the world while behaving in a generally irresponsible manner.

The woman, known only as ‘M’, said that her operatives were currently too restricted in exercising their license to kill and their ability to pursue a bit of strange.

“It’s perfectly simple, or at least Christ knows it should be” huffed the diminutive ‘M’.

“You want to stay safe? Then you need to let my agents drink several Martinis and then hop into a high-powered sports car for a speedy chase through the streets of Amsterdam.”

“If you think that isn’t a price worth paying for freedom, then God help us all.”

Double-0 agent, Simon Williams, said “Some of us could do with being reined in a bit, if anything.”

“One guy on our team is essentially a functioning alcoholic and has had so many STIs it’s a wonder the thing doesn’t fall off.”

“But we can’t fire him because he’s saved the world twenty or so times, the smug prick.”

“God knows what he’ll be like if we get even more powers; he’ll probably be served with a paternity suit before the year’s out, or at least he would do if any of his girlfriends didn’t get shot right after he shagged them.”

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