Friday 18 September 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Sir Elton John to invade Russia


Elton John at war with Russia

The crisis between Sir Elton John and Russia has escalated to all-out war.

The crisis began after Sir Elton reached out to President Putin to discuss gay-rights and President Putin responded with a prank call.

“It was in very poor taste,” said Sir Elton.

“He just kept saying the names of my songs, so he’d be like ‘Nikita, be quiet, I’m talking to Elton,’ ‘No I haven’t fallen down, I’m still standing,’ and then making a fart sound and going ‘oh no, my candle’s just gone out.”

“It was very, very childish, and that’s speaking as someone who had to deal with Radio 1 in the eighties.”

It is understood that the telephone call degenerated quickly into both parties saying ‘What are you going to do about it/No, what are you going to do about it’, before Sir Elton finally cracked and shouted – ‘that’s it, it’s war!’ and slammed the phone down.

Sir Elton and husband David Furnish are well-known to have one of the largest standing armies in the world and the UK Government is expected to offer air-support to the campaign in return for Sir Elton having sung at Lady Di’s funeral.

Sir Elton’s forces have already begun to amass on the neutral Norwegian and Polish borders with the campaign expected to start in a matter of days.

“I will crush the brutally repressive Putin regime,” said Sir Elton

“And then I’ve got a new ‘Elton does Christmas,’ album coming out in December. Pre-order and you get a free MP3 of me singing the Russian national anthem in a silly voice.”

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