Wednesday 16 September 2015 by DavyWavy

NHS to keep funding homeopathy as ‘water is cheaper than medicine’


Homeopathy

The NHS is to keep using homeopathy because water is ‘way cheaper than actual drugs’, they have confirmed today.

The ‘tapwater treatment’, as it is known, has proven controversial in recent years due to the complete lack of evidence that it works, but this does not deter adherents on a tight budget.

Homeopaths claim that water contains the ‘memory’ of active agents, which can pass the effects onto human bodies even when none of the active ingredient remains.

Instead of being advised to have a couple of aspirins and a glass of water, patients will henceforth be told to skip the aspirin as Homeopaths are pretty sure it will contain trace amounts of Acetylsalicylic acid.

Experts claim the belief in homeopathy is a bit like claiming the girl next door got pregnant because you had a wank in the shower, and about as likely to be proven effective.

“Like much of the country, the health service is on tight budgets so trying to cure people with a glass of water is very attractive in the current financial climate”, we were told.

“The other big advantage is that patients prescribed homeopathic remedies tend to die a lot sooner, saving an absolute arm and a leg on long-term palliative care”, we were told.

“It’s win-win!”

“Except for people with actual diseases, obviously.”

Homeopaths insist that they should be funded as their treatments ‘work for some people’, but it has been suggested you can make that sort of claim about absolutely anything.

Onanism enthusiast Simon Williams told us that he always feels much better after having a pint and knocking one out, but thus far the NHS has refused to fund either his beer or a copy of Razzle.

“I’m sure that’s some sort of breach of my human rights”, he told us. “I’m going to sue someone.”

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