Wednesday 16 September 2015

God refusing to save the Queen after Jeremy Corbyn didn’t ask nicely


God not saving Queen any more

The Almighty God has today announced he will no longer save the Queen because Jeremy Corbyn didn’t sing a nice song asking him to.

God has taken steps after new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn refused to sing a song to an entity he doesn’t believe exists, about a woman whose job he thinks shouldn’t.

Speaking through his representative on earth, God told reporters, “Look, I exist, I know that, and now so do you, so I’ll just continue to look after those who plead to be protected, and those who please me.”

“Which is why we have prayers and songs and stuff, so you can ask me nicely to save you from me killing you. If you ask really nicely you get to live forever like all those people I made immortal.”

“No, I can’t name one of those people off the top of my head right this second.”

“Anyway, seeing as this Corbyn fellow didn’t sing that song, I don’t see why I should continue to save the Queen for you mortal peasants?”

“I’m not saying I’m going have her struck by lightning or anything, but if I was her I wouldn’t go crossing any busy roads this week.”

Monarchists have supported God’s position, claiming that perpetual pleas to an omnipotent deity are the only things keeping her alive.

Royal family supporter Simon Williams told us, “I heard what God had to say, so if the Queen dies in the next few weeks, just remember whose fault it is.”

“Jeremy fucking Corbyn.”

“Well, unless Charles has a flaky alibi, obviously.”

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