Tuesday 15 September 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Professor Brian Cox rocked by claims that things haven’t got better


Brian Cox

Floppy-haired science hunk Brian Cox has been left reeling by new claims that things haven’t got better.

Professor Cox in 1993 famously predicted that ‘Things can only get better,’ in the form of his D-Ream acid-pop classic, but recently many of his contemporaries have openly slammed the prediction.

“I’m afraid I’d have to take issue with the Professor Cox’s basic assertion,” said inventor of the World Wide Web Tim Berners-Lee.

“What with Mars bars getting smaller and paedophilia, I think that, if anything, things have actually got worse.”

Astrophysicist Jocelyn Bell Burnell was equally scathing.

“Rot! Things are definitely not better,” she said from inside her big telescope.

“Climate Change is a terrifying threat, Africa is torn apart by war and disease and, frankly, we seem further away from a Bros reunion than ever.”

Stephen Hawking was more sympathetic.

“Wimpy has stopped doing the Bender in a bun, and we seem to be entering a new period of Cold war,” he said in his funny robot voice.

“But in fairness to Brian, robot voices are loads better and the invention of Babestation has been a boon.”

The song was famously used for Labour’s 1997 election campaign.

“That certainly set alarm bells ringing,” said Dame Nancy Rothwell, Physiologist and Vice Chancellor of the University of Manchester.

“Then 13 years of Tony Blair’s ‘grin,’ the Iraq War, and some properly shit Star wars films. Frankly, Professor Cox couldn’t have been more wrong.”

An open letter signed by thirty-two of Professor Cox’s contemporaries has called on the physicist to publicly apologise for his claim that things can only get better. Preferably in the form of an upbeat, acid pop song called “Sorry, things actually got worse.”

The letter goes on to suggest that the Tories may want to use it in any of their election campaigns.

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