Tuesday 15 September 2015 by Gary Stanton

Entire Liverpool squad to be replaced by army of robots


Liverpool team to be replaced by robots

Liverpool FC’s team of talentless, pampered millionaires is to be replaced by a lethal army of killing machines, our kid.

After the 3-1 defeat to hated rivals Manchester United, boss Brendan Rodgers approached owners Fenway Sports Group with his demands for a side capable of following simple instructions.

The beleaguered manager used a popular website to discover that James Milner’s job could be done far more effectively by a machine with the basic intelligence of a ZX Spectrum.

Sporting a lustrous chrome finish, the machines comes with a watertight ten-year guarantee, but have a tendency to seriously over-react when fouled.

Alan Hansen, the most talented pundit of his generation, said, “The droids have been programmed to show zero emotion and keep calm under pressure.”

“It’s a lot like working with Mark Lawrenson.”

Robot creator, Simon Williams, added, “I’ve fitted the machines with an override switch, which prevents them from going on incessantly about the club’s history.”

“And though the goalkeeping droid tends to fall over an awful lot, he’s still better at controlling back passes than Simon Mignolet.”

However Williams faces criticism after the robot replacements for Lucas Leiva and Roberto Firmino were involved in a spit-roast in the car park of the Zanzibar.

Rodgers – dressed bizarrely in black leather and riding a 1990 Harley Davidson – was upbeat about his side’s prospects for the rest of the campaign.

“With this army of merciless androids at my disposal, I am confident that finishing in eight place is very achievable.”

“Fuck you asshole.”

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