Monday 14 September 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Australian PM ousted after losing drinking competition


Tony Abbott loses drinking competition

Australia is to have a new prime minister after Tony Abbott was ousted as leader of the Liberal Party following a hastily arranged drinking competition.

Cabinet minister Malcolm Turnbull is said to have requested the drinking competition following doubts about Mr Abbott’s ability to successfully drink enough beer to remain a credible Australian Prime Minister.

“It became clear to me that I had to act after I saw Tony drink a small glass of sherry instead of several pints of the old amber fluid,” said the new Prime Minister.

“I thought it was a bloody disgrace to the proud ideals of Australian democracy and so I acted.”

Mr Turnbull becomes the fourth Australian Prime Minister since 2013 after Kevin Rudd ordered a glass of beer instead of a pint and Julia Gillard was outed as a woman.

Australia has a long and proud tradition of choosing its leaders through drinking competition after Guinness world record beer drinker Bob Hawke (who drank 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds in 1955) became Prime Minister and declared that ‘any of you pack of galahs want to run my bloody country better top that.’

Mr Turnbull became Prime Minister by drinking nine pints of Fosters and still being able to drive, whereas after his eighth pint Tony Abbott vomited copiously, sexually assaulted the cat and started a fight with his own shoes.

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