Thursday 10 September 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Swarm of morons arguing ‘this is a Christian country’ despite never setting foot inside a church


Christian country

People on your Facebook feed are using the phrase “this is a Christian country” despite the fact the last church service they attended was for their nan’s funeral.

It is thought that the Syrian refugee crisis has inspired people to magically remember their allegiance to Christ, who must have said “goodwill to all men apart from drowning foreign types”.

“This is a Christian country,” thundered internet tosspot, Simon Williams, “and it is vital that it stay that way.

“Of course I won’t be going to an actual Christian church, because I don’t miss my Sunday League matches for anything.”

59% of the UK population indicated being Christian during the last census, despite fewer than 15% actually bothering with Church.

“Piss off,” said the Archbishop of Canterbury.

“You don’t get to call yourself a Christian unless you actually bother with the faith in the first place, and you don’t get to use your pseudo-Christianity to make your bigoted, swivel-eyed arguments against foreigners walking within 2 miles of your house.

“I hate to break it to your tiny minds, but Jesus wasn’t British, and he said ‘the meek will inherit the earth’.

“Those foreigners clinging onto a raft for dear life look pretty fucking meek if you ask me.”

“What Jesus didn’t say in the Bible was ‘go forth in my name and spout all kinds of hateful shite against people who look more like me than you do’, or if he did, then it must have been in the director’s cut.

“If you would like to come to church on Sunday, then, of course, you are welcome. I kind of have to offer; due to this whole forgiveness shtick.

“But please, don’t let us get in the way of a perfectly good hangover.”

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