Thursday 10 September 2015 by DavyWavy

Previously unknown human-like species discovered on Jeremy Kyle Show


Jeremy Kyle

A previously unknown species of human has been discovered on the Jeremy Kyle Show, scientists have announced this morning.

“Homo Kyliensis”, as they have been dubbed, fill a previously bare gap in the fossil record somewhere between humans and cucumbers.

The first evidence for the new species was stumbled upon by a group of students who were skiving lectures and watching telly on a Wednesday afternoon instead.

Researchers will now pursue extensive studies of the Kyliensis by sitting on their settees watching ITV3 and staring with utter, utter disbelief.

“Homo Kyliensis is an incredible discovery,” said lead researcher Simon Williams.

“They display a remarkable degree of sexual dimorphism, as the males appear to be rake-thin and missing several teeth whilst the females are often bright orange and, not to put too fine a point on it, fucking massive.”

“A warlike race, we believe most of the fighting was done by the women whilst the men sat round watching with a gormless, slightly spaced-out grin.”

The species has numerous fascinating social rituals, including elaborate tattooing, copious use of mind and body altering chemicals, throwing chairs at one another, and sitting round shouting about it.

Anthropologists are reported to be ‘very excited’ by the find as the culture of the group appears to involve plentiful promiscuity, which is always nice to hear when you don’t get out of your office very often.

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