Wednesday 9 September 2015 by Lucas Wilde

‘Nice Guy’ with nothing else going for him demands to know why he’s still single


Obese man demands explanation

An obese, boring man with rubbish clothes and poor personal hygiene but generally affable demeanour has demanded an explanation as to his single status from the world’s women.

Simon Williams, 27, has been single for the last six years, despite being pretty much tolerable to be around as long as you breathe through your mouth.

“I just don’t understand,” said Williams, “I’m such a nice guy, I’m polite, I’ve never abused any animals or anything like that.”

“I see no reason why women aren’t flocking to me like in those Lynx adverts, and I think it’s only fair that I know why.”

The world’s women were more than happy to oblige, being the mouthy little strumpets that they are.

“Being ‘nice’ should be the minimum spec not just for being someone’s partner, but also for being a not-shit human,” offered Rosie Jones, a typically picky woman from Blackpool.

“Suggesting that’s all I should look for is a bit like saying I should settle for any meal, as long as it’s been certified safe for human consumption.”

“I also appreciate things like engaging conversation, a sense of fun and respect for my own life goals.”

“I would say that I’d also like a sense of physical attraction, but I think that’s probably pushing my rights as a woman a bit too far.”

Simon listened politely to Rosie’s arguments before muttering “lesbian” and slamming the door of his bedroom in his parents’ house.

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