Monday 7 September 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Seven dead after rival aunts wear identical outfits to wedding


Rival aunts

Multiple fatalities were reported this morning after two women harbouring deep resentment for each other happened to wear matching outfits to a family wedding.

Matha Beckett, 43, and Tracey Morgan, 45, both wore suitably dull floral print dresses from a mid-range department store.

“It was horrifying” said groom, Tom Beckett, “they locked eyes on each other from across the room, and I swear one of them actually crushed a champagne glass in her hand.”

“I’m not sure which one, as they were wearing the same boring outfits.”

“Then they both just screamed and flew at each other, then other people got involved trying to separate them; it turned into a whirlwind of blood, prosecco and knock-off designer handbags.”

“When the dust settled twenty minutes later, Martha and Tracey were panting hard with fish knives at each other’s throats, surrounded by the bodies of the dead.”

“Then my father-in-law finally managed to hit them both in the neck with a blow gun to get them home in time for the darts. Thank God he always comes armed to a wedding.”

It is hoped that Martha and Tracey won’t see each other until 2019, when Tom Beckett and his wife will have their first child.

“Both of our families adhere to a very strict birthing schedule” confirmed Beckett, “no wonder we’re all so tense.”

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