Monday 7 September 2015 by Nathan Adler and Jack Ingoldsby

Donald Trump warns of Schrödinger’s immigrant who ‘lazes around on benefits whilst simultaneously stealing your job’


Donald Trump Schrödinger’s immigrant

Donald Trump has updated Schrödinger’s famous thought experiment by insisting that immigrants exist in a state of both lazing around on welfare whilst simultaneously being out there stealing US jobs.

A Trump campaign spokesman declared the observation true until said immigrant is directly observed, and that there was a dire need for further studies on the phenomenon.

Mr Trump explained, “These people clearly need further observation. However, big government in Washington has confused the issue by releasing facts that threaten our dearly held lazy stereotypes.”

When asked to clarify who exactly he meant by “These people.”, Mr Trump said “C’mon, guys, we’re all grown ups. Do I really have to spell it out?”

He continued “Some guy sitting on the next bar stool at Hannigan’s , who knows – for definite – told me that Mexicans in particular have been stealing his job, and if that’s not bad enough, they’re also too lazy to work because cause they’re all on welfare.”

Mr Trump added “So it’s tricky.”

“For objective results, they need to be studied extensively for a prolonged period of time, securely and in isolation, preferably away from the distortionary influences of their families.”

“However, surprisingly, these scientific conditions can easily be achieved at the average US Immigration & Customs Enforcement Detention Center.”

Schrödinger’s immigrant

We tried to verify these allegations with several migrant workers, though all claimed to be unable to follow Mr Trump’s line of thinking.

One worker, who had been standing outside a Lowe’s Home Improvement store in the hope of getting day work from local construction projects, and who would only be identified as Miguel said, “He is stupid pendejo, yes?”

When pressed, he refused to elaborate, claiming he needed to get back to the room he shared with 8 other migrant workers to catch some sleep, before starting his shift as a busboy.

While researchers have cast doubt on the claims, Professor Arnold J. Levine, head of the Simons Center for Systems Biology at the Princeton Institute for Advanced Study, noted some surprising benefits from the controversy.

“The average Trump supporter has typically been rather anti-science, particularly on the topics of evolution and climate change.”

“Now we are seeing much more willingness to see what the latest research has to offer and how they can contribute.”

“For example, I recently received an intriguing paper from a Mr Wayne Scott, an unemployed welder, of Tupelo, Mississippi, who attempt to demonstrate that The Second Law of Thermodynamics is mistaken and the US can get by just goddamn fine without any outside influences.”

Plano, Texas small business Simon Williams said that he fully supported Mr Trump’s latest thought experiment.

“I employ a couple of Latinos, yes. They get paid cash, work flat out, and to be honest I can’t find any locals willing to work the graveyard shift at my slaughterhouse, anyway.”

“But they could simultaneously be at home being lazy and claiming benefits, couldn’t they?”

“Anyway, this ‘Schrödinger’ guy sounds like he isn’t bound by liberal PC garbage. Can I vote for him?”

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