Monday 7 September 2015 by Kevin Smith

Billionaire offers to buy island for ‘increasingly marginalised’ bigots and racists


racist island

An anonymous billionaire has offered to buy an island for the thousands of British people who don’t have a shred of humanity in them.

The current refugee crisis has brought with it angry and familiar calls for the United Kingdom to not accept anymore people fleeing wars on the grounds that they are ‘spongers’, ‘cockroaches’ and ‘ineducated’.

The billionaire’s statement read “I feel incredible sorrow for these massive arse pipes who have been spewing their dreadfully misguided opinions loudly and repetitively out of their blow holes.”

“No one with at least a little bit of decency has been listening to them, so they must be near breaking point by now. Something must be done to help them.”

“I thought I could offer them a place where they could eternally spout their daft twaddle at each other, rather than at us.”

He went on to explain that “the inhabitants would have to build everything on the island from scratch but at least then they’ll know the value of having done something themselves for once rather than having it handed to them on a plate without earning it ‘like some bloody freeloading immigrant’.”

The billionaire has accepted that there will be difficulties in implementing his plan.

He explained, “The main problem right now is finding an island remote enough for these cretins.”

“We need an island big enough, but also far away enough from anywhere else to ensure we won’t have to hear their moronic complaints ever again.”

“I hear one of the Orkney’s might be going cheap.”

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