Friday 4 September 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Idris Elba claims Bond author is ‘too indoorsy’ to write about guns, sex and alcohol


Idris Elba on James Bond author

Actor Idris Elba has bizarrely claimed that Anthony Horowitz shouldn’t write the next Bond novel as he’s ‘too indoorsy’ to understand about guns and women.

Elba said, “It’s absolutely not a race thing.”

“It’s just that Horowitz is a little too, well, y’know, ‘classy’ to be writing about these sorts of things.”

“I mean what does he know about guns or drug barons? He’d need a hell of a lot of imagination to pull that off.”

“I mean I know he’s a writer and it’s his job to imagine things but…”

“Look, you know what I mean. Just do the maths and pretend you don’t know what subtext is, alright?”

Elba’s comments have been met with anger by the literary press.

“I’m angry about this,” confirmed literary critic, Charles Briggs.

“People as ‘classy’ as Horowitz have been writing about guns and women for years.”

“Jeffrey Archer very nearly wrote a competent novel featuring those things.”

“Don’t bother seeking it out, it’s still quite bad.”

“Anyway, it’s disappointing that Idris Elba has chosen to make these comments, but sadly I’m sure that Anthony Horowitz is used to such stereotyping as a white author.”

Horowitz is still set to write the next Bond novel, which is titled “Trigger Mortis” and apparently isn’t a piss-take.

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