Wednesday 2 September 2015

Polar bears keen to know if Russian scientists have heard of Jesus Christ


polar bear

A group of missionary polar bears have besieged Russian scientists in a remote weather station, in an attempt to introduce them to their lord and saviour Jesus Christ.

Scientists claim they have been unable to leave their hut in nearly a week without fear of a lecture about the sins of mankind and the steps necessary to receive eternal salvation.

Simon Williams who is working at the station told us, “It’s relentless. Day and night they just want to talk to us about Jesus.”

“It’s almost like they’ve been told they won’t get to go to bear heaven unless they pound the streets looking to convert people.”

“And unfortunately we’re the only people for a few hundred miles, so they’re here for the long haul I’d imagine.”

“I wouldn’t mind if they wanted to eat us, that seems like fairly normal rational behaviour for a polar bear.”

“But all this bullshit about imaginary sky fairies is driving us absolutely insane.”

“You can’t talk to them, because they’re so indoctrinated in the ways of their church, and also because they’re polar bears.”

Help is said to be on its way, but the polar bears show now signs of retreating and admitting defeat in their attempts to convert the scientists to their particular flavour of christianity.

Williams went on, “Every now and again one of the bears will come up to the window and roar inside that Jesus loves us and forgives our sins.”

“Telling them to piss off and slamming the door in their face has literally no effect whatsoever.”

“I’m almost tempted to convert just to make them go away.”

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