Tuesday 1 September 2015 by Neil Tollfree

UK National Sperm Bank to open branch in Hoxton to attract more wankers


Hoxton Hipsters

Due to a shortage of donors, the UK Sperm Bank has announced that it will open a branch in Hoxton.

“We needed to find somewhere with a much larger than normal percentage of wankers,” said chief executive Laura Witjens.

“Brighton was considered, as was the House of Commons, and BBC’s media city in Salford came very close, so to speak. But none had the level of wankers we really needed.”

According to some estimates, the proportion of people to wankers in Hoxton is exactly 1:1, which is phenomenally high; in fact worldwide, it is second only to Hollywood.

“We were staggered when we looked in to it; it seems that literally everyone in Hoxton is a wanker, with the vast majority of people actually being truly massive wankers.”

“This is great news for us, as the bigger the wanker, the more sperm we’ll get. We’re already making plans to refurbish oil tanker lorries to transport the vast amount of sperm we’re expecting.”

Hoxton residents seemed pleased by the development.

“Yeah, totally,” said Brian Twat, through a beard like a Victorian cricketer’s.

“I mean, as a Hoxton wanker, it’s not often I get to do anything to benefit society. But if by wanking into a pot I can help people, then I’m game.”

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