Wednesday 26 August 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Commuters suggest ‘tosspots only’ carriage


Tosspot Carriage suggested

Jeremy Corbyn’s idea of women-only carriages on trains has inspired a different idea from people who travel regularly.

“Tosspots Only” carriages would mean that loud people with mobile phones, tosspots on the way to the races, and general teenage tosspots would all be kept safely out-of-the-way of normal people who want to get through the hell that is a British train ride as peacefully as humanly possible.

“It’s a great idea for a happier Britain,” said Fred Rogers, a tosspot from Grimsby.

“I have no problem with cramming into a carriage with my fellow tosspots and all tossing about together.

“Ideally, we’d all get into a mass brawl of some kind and eradicate ourselves from the gene pool, but we’re not considerate enough for that, hence the name.

“Anyway, enough of that. I was wondering if you’d ever considered voting for UKIP?”

Commuter, Martin Wild, welcomed the proposal.

“If I had a quid for every time I had to sit next to a drunk tosspot on the train…well, I’d have a quid.

“But it was a harrowing experience that I would wish on nobody, except for a carriage full of similar people, which is exactly what is being proposed.

“Seriously, at one point he vomited and then looked up at me to ask if I had any cheese.

“I’d suggest putting the tosspot carriage at the front, so in the event of a crash there will be a large buffer of tosspots to give the rest of us a chance of survival.”

The idea is being discussed within the Labour party, or at least between the three remaining party members who can’t be labelled as tosspots themselves.

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