Tuesday 25 August 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Man in basement flat wondering just how fat kids upstairs must be


Noisy Neighbours upstairs

A man living in a flat under a family of five is growing increasingly concerned for the health of the children above.

Lewis Perry, 32, moved into his basement flat a month ago and figured he would get used to the slight banging noise from the children running around upstairs.

“Now it sounds like a special ‘clogs’ edition of Riverdance” said Perry, who has forgotten what a lie-in feels like.

“I’m really worried about their weight. Only a sentient being of a couple of hundred pounds could possibly make that much fucking noise.”

“Obviously the simple solution would be to knock on the door and ask them to tone it down, but without my bottled-up rage, I have nothing.”

Kerry Matthews, 36, is the mother of the supposed elephantine children.

“Oh no, they’re not that fat really” she chuckled, “they’re just boisterous.”

“I see no reason to hinder their sense of fun just because of a grumpy old man downstairs, especially at 6am in the morning when the day’s already started a’wastin’.”

Perry said “Yes, we’ll see about that” while rigging explosive charges to his own ceiling.

“I don’t mind losing my deposit, it will be worth it for the looks on their faces,” he cackled.

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