Monday 24 August 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Reading residents begin lockdown preparations for Reading Festival


Reading Festival lockdown

People who live in Reading have been reinforcing their doors and making sure they’ve got enough food in to see them through the Reading Festival period.

Locals have been preparing ever since the official line-up was announced and tickets went on sale to the usual audience of over-sexed teenagers and men in their late thirties hoping to recapture some of their long-disappeared youth.

“I did want to buy a water cannon” admitted Simon Williams, a 34 year-old Reading resident, “But there were a few obstacles such as cost, logistics and ultimately the police.”

“I suppose I will have to defend my home using nothing but my bare hands and the three or four unlicensed shotguns in my shed.”

“Other than that, it’s just a question of eating pot noodles and watching telly until the smell of sex disappears from the town.”

Local shops have also taken measures against the rabble of “music” lovers.

“I bought a crossbow,” beamed newsagent, Darren Clarke.

“So if anyone thinks they’re going to come in here and use the toilet, they’ve got another think coming; and by ‘think’ I mean ‘very pointy crossbow bolt’.”

The only non-festival-goers expected to go outdoors in Reading during the festival period are the members of a film crew, who are hoping to use footage from the event during the opening scene of the next Planet of the Apes film.

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