Friday 21 August 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Israeli spy dolphin actually a nostalgic Roger Moore


Roger Moore

An alleged Israeli spy dolphin was in fact Roger Moore pining for the halcyon days of Octopussy and Live and let Die.

The 87 year-old, self-styled “second James Bond” was caught by Hamas with an array of spy equipment and a martini shaker also concealed within the dolphin costume.

“Surprised is definitely the word,” said Simon Williams, a spokesperson for Hamas’ military wing.

“We brought the dolphin on board, then it suddenly unzipped itself and out popped an elderly man in a tuxedo.”

“Then he raised an eyebrow and said ‘terribly fishy business’ before kicking seven shades of shit out of the crew.”

“We’ve not seen him since but one of the speedboats is missing, along with the captain’s rebellious yet naïve and beautiful daughter, so I think we can probably do the maths on this one.”

“Objectively speaking, it was impressive stuff from someone who looks they should be at home with a cup of earl grey and a hobnob.”

Roger Moore smirked and said “I suppose they’re all at sea.”

“Sorry, force of habit. Yes, that was me. I miss being Bond. Being a national treasure is lovely and all that, but it doesn’t really compare to dicking about in a daft disguise and doing women half my age.”

“Well, less than half these days. Bond can hardly be seen out with a 43 and-a-half year-old. Must keep standards up, old boy.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to slip into someone more comfortable.”

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