Friday 21 August 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Ed Miliband to open coffee shop in Brighton


Ed Miliband

Former Labour leader Ed Miliband has grown a beard and has revealed plans to open a coffee shop in hipster seaside capital Brighton.

“It just occurred to me that I’d become a total square,’ said Miliband earlier today.

“I was all like, ‘hey I’m leader of Labour, let’s do a watered down version of austerity, look at my massive stone of Labour commandments’.”

“I mean, come on; loser.”

“Now I’ve spent a few months on the White Isle; chilling mainly, a bit of DJing and, you know, finding myself and I just want to open a place for people like me to hang.”

“It’s just going to be an old shack on the beach. I’m calling it Red Ed’s Roaster and only serving coffee sourced from left-wing regimes.”

With grim inevitability, it will have exposed brick walls, ‘reclaimed’ furniture and Warhol-esque prints of Michael Caine in Get Carter, that bit from Pulp Fiction where Jules and Vincent shoot someone, and Aneurin Bevan.

And it will only play Latin fucking jazz exclusively, forever.

“I’m going for a chilled out vibe,” continued the hirsute election loser.

“You know, just come in and chill. If you want to bring an acoustic, that’s cool. We might have an evening of poetry recitals, but cool modern stuff, you know? Poetry that rhymes is square.”

It is expected that there will be an old shack on Brighton beach available for sale from Christmas.

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