Thursday 20 August 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Channel Tunnel migrants down after they find out what Britain is really like


Calais migrants not interested in Britain any more

There have been fewer migrant incursions into the Channel Tunnel as word spreads through the Calais camp about what life in Britain is really like.

“I come to Britain because I thought it was fair, decent and beautiful country,” said one man who identified himself only as ‘Sam.’

“Instead I learn it is a place of bigotry, cruelty and drizzle. I think Calais camp is nicer.”

There have been numerous tactics deployed to prevent migrants from entering the UK through the Channel tunnel including lines of reporters and photographers at the incursion points, limiting the complimentary wine on Eurostar, and Songs of Praise.

Though none have had as dramatic an effect on incursion numbers as a fundamental understanding of what Britain is truly like.

“I have just seen copy of Daily Mail,” said a teenage boy clutching a carrier bag containing all his worldly possessions.

“I shall return to Syria and live in my hole in the ground instead. You poor, poor British people.”

The UK Government is now planning to send volunteers to Calais with a picture of Hull, repeats of the last two Sunderland matches, a mobile phone contract, an Argos catalogue, some Pret sandwiches, Sunday evening television, rain, Coldplay’s greatest hits, a guide to London’s West End, 50 shades of Grey, a pop-up Wetherspoons pub, and the live stage production of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

“That ought to do it,” said Foreign Secretary Phillip Hammond.

“If not, I’ll pop over with George and David and explain our plans for the next few years.”

“Can’t imagine anyone wanting to live here after that.”

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