Wednesday 19 August 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Wars to be replaced by Twitter feuds


Twitter feuds

Following the popularity of the Calvin Harris’ twitter spat with Zayn Malik, the UN has announced that it intends to replace all wars with twitter feuds within five years.

“The problem with wars,” said a UN representative, “is that after seeing the first bombed out church on the news, people lose engagement.”

“By the time John Simpson pitches up in a flak jacket everyone’s switched off.”

“Whereas people will retweet Kelly Osborne and Miley Cyrus saying ‘Whatever’ to each other until the cows come home.”

It is expected that the war in East Ukraine will be the first to transition to twitter feud after the 2nd ceasefire was said to have broken down this week.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko will begin the spat by tweeting ‘@Putin is well gay innit #nipples #pout #bareback #UkraineRoolzBitch.’

President Putin is expected to give a robust response along the lines of ‘Whatever, bitch #RussianEastUkraine4evah #WrestledaTiger.’

“I just wish we could have done this sooner,” said the UN representative.

“Imagine the lives that would have been saved if George W Bush could have just tweeted ‘@BushySaddam has a shit moustache #FreddieMercuryWannabe.’”

“Although, that’s perhaps not the best example as President Bush won that war twelve years ago, because he said so.”

A suggestion to turn twitter feuds into actual wars and have Calvin Harris and Zayn Malik sort out their differences by firing high-powered weapons at each other across the ruins of a village, is also being considered.

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