Tuesday 18 August 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Simon Cowell to execute impostor dog


Simon Cowell

Simon Cowell is to put a bullet between the eyes of an adorable but devious canine.

The TV mogul made the decision after the totally proportional public outcry over a fucking dog walking on a fucking tightrope, and decided that the only way to make people happy again would be to personally murder the animal on live television.

“Simon knows his audience” said ITV spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“And he knows when he’s made a mistake, and he’s going to put it right by giving the people what they want: the corpse of a treacherous dog.”

The execution will take place on ITV at 7pm this Saturday, replacing game show “Keep It In the Family”, in which the only thing dying is Bradley Walsh’s career.

“Someone suggested that maybe Simon should just simply apologise, but then the person who suggested that also got shot,” said Williams.

“I would suggest that Simon is getting a little bit trigger-happy, but I don’t want to get shot.”

Cowell is expected to choose a hollow-point bullet not only for extra impact, but also because it matches his soul.

“Sadly we couldn’t find any high-waisted-trouser bullets” sighed Williams.

It is thought that following the execution, the dog will be buried in the same plot as Steve Brookstein’s recording contract, Amanda Holden’s real forehead, and Simon Cowell’s true sexuality.

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