Tuesday 18 August 2015 by Gary Stanton

Chilcot report eaten by dog


Chilcot report

The long overdue report into the illegal war in Iraq has been eaten by Lord Chilcot’s faithful Basset Hound, Trudi.

Weighing in at over 3 kilos, the report, which was expected to conclude that Tony Blair is a bastard war criminal, was left carelessly in Sir John’s kitchen next to a half-open bag of Winalot Mixer.

The report was due in 2012, but its release was set back a year while Sir John went on a fact-finding tour of the Maldives.

A further release date was set for October 2014, but the deadline was missed after Sir John’s HP Inkjet printer suffered a catastrophic paper jam.

Trudi said, “I’d really like to apologise to the millions of bereaved mothers waiting to see this cunt brought to justice, but if I see something lying on a kitchen work surface, there’s a fair chance it’s going to end up in my mouth.

“Woof.”

Illegal war expert, Simon Williams, said, “The report’s continued delay is the sole reason why Tony Blair is still making half a million per after dinner speech and not dangling from his shoelaces in The Hague.”

“I’m afraid that was the only copy as I don’t really do computers,” Chilcot told us.

He added, “I’m going to hang around and see if she shits it out.

“You’re not in any hurry are you?”

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