Monday 17 August 2015 by Gary Stanton

Jeremy Corbyn planning massacre of the Royal Family


Corbyn Royal family

Rabid Bolshevik, Jeremy Corbyn, is planning to assassinate the Royal Family or at least make them pay the bedroom tax.

Come the revolution on the 5th of May 2020, the leading members of the monarchy together would be lined up and shot against the tobacco-stained walls of an NHS hospital.

Speaking to reporters earlier today, Corbyn said, “This is not about the politics of envy. There are sound economic reasons for removing the royals in a hail of same-sex gunfire.”

“Most of the estimated six billion the Royals generate in tourist revenue bypasses the proletariat and goes straight into the hands of capitalist souvenir shop owners. Fact.”

And under Corbyn’s dour regime, the Queen’s head would be removed from banknotes and replaced with that of radical Welsh temptress, Charlotte Church.

Corbyn added, “Charlotte is a natural choice for the ten pound note because she believes in something. The fiver will probably go to the photogenic singer out of Lush.”

“Of course, we will eventually phase out money altogether.”

However, in a nod to austerity, Corbyn would use just one bullet to kill top royals such as the Queen, Phil, Chaz and Andy.

Last night Chancellor, George Osborne, hit back at Corbyn’s plans, branding them an ‘uncosted pile of lefty jism.’

“Treasury ballistics experts advise that this socialist bloodletting would require a minimum of three bullets, due to the density of Prince Andrew’s skull,” he told us.

“This is the lie at the heart of Corbynomics.”

Corbyn insists lesser royals, otherwise known as ‘hangers on’, would be spared the bullet, but would be obliged to appear in the planned new Labour party political broadcast entitled ‘Why Nato is shit.’

The Queen’s corgis, meanwhile, would be retrained as stumpy guide dogs to assist lesbians blinded at Greenham Common by Thatcher’s deaths squads.

Corbyn’s fiercest rival ‘slinky’ Liz Kendall said, “Jeremy is a nice guy and part of that niceness is that he can’t decide what to do with Prince Edward.”

Corbyn retorted, “I’d probably make him wear a ‘Coal Not Dole’ badge and finish him off with a brick.”

“Up your fucking Trident.”

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