Tony Blair has claimed that Labour leadership frontrunner Jeremy Corbyn is not only in possession of weapons of mass destruction, but is capable of launching them within 45 minutes.
“There is considerable evidence in a dossier that I made up and am not in a position to show anyone,” said the former $250,000 a night after-dinner speaker.
“But I would ask that everyone just shuts up and does what I say, because that’s what made the nineties so brilliant.”
It is understood that Mr Blair will call on the current government to launch a series of military strikes against Corbyn and then spend ten years saying that he was definitely right and he made absolutely everything better.
“I’d suggest we launch a series of targeted airstrikes against him, and then focus a sustained ground attack to secure his oil reserves.”
“No, wait. Not that last bit.”
Mr Blair’s calls for military action found support in his old colleague Alistair Campbell.
“Yes, definitely. What Tony says,” said Mr Campbell, before adding “I still get paid, right?”
However, it does seem that Mr Blair’s calls for military action against Mr Corbyn will not be supported by the US, leaving him disappointed.
“Oh yeah,” he said bitterly.
“But as soon as I want something…”