Thursday 13 August 2015

A-level student narrowly misses out on first choice city to get drunk in for three years


A level results day

A-level student Simon Williams will have to go through clearing after narrowly missing the grades he needed to get drunk for three years in Birmingham.

Williams needed an A and two Bs in order to get regularly plastered in and around the Aston University campus in Birmingham, but ended up with a B and two Cs.

He told us, “I’d hoped they’d still take me on the Business and Management course, because I’d really set my heart on drinking cheap cider in Birmingham for three years.

“I’d done all my research, and there are some top student nights around Broad St and in the pubs around campus.

“But they said they can’t take me, so clearing it is. Oh god.

“To be honest, I feel a bit lost right now. How am I supposed to know which are the best places to get drunk for an 18-year-old away from home for the first time?

“They want me to make an instant decision on where I’m going to piss away my loans and accrue forty grand in debt for the next three years, but how can I do that without having even had so much as one beer in any of them?

“Am I better off getting rat-arsed in Newcastle or Plymouth?

“If I’m going to fall asleep in the street covered in my own vomit on a Wednesday night, should I be in Nottingham or Sheffield?

“They make this so difficult. If I didn’t know better I’d say they just want me to go and get a job.”

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