Tuesday 11 August 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Calais migrants to be kicked up the arse


Philip hammond

The Government is to address the migrant problem in Calais by sending over a special squadron of British police to individually kick every potential immigrant up the arse.

Foreign secretary Phillip Hammond made the announcement today with the typically inflammatory use of the words ‘swarms’ and ‘marauding’ that we’ve become used to.

“We’ve got to do something to stop this swarms of terrible shits marauding across our country eating our cats and sexually assaulting our dogs,” he said, frothing at the mouth only a little.

“And I think a good honest kick up the arse from a great British bobby would show them who’s boss, and then perhaps they’d go back to living up the trees where they belong.”

This is not the first time Britain has offered the French people help with dealing with the migrants.

Several weeks ago we sent over a fat man in overalls called Dean to patch up some holes in the fences, and more recently we sent Aled Jones there to do some hymns.

Neither of these measures seem to have helped the situation as yet.

However the Daily Express has already condemned the plans to kick the migrants up the arse, saying they simply don’t go far enough.

“They should smack them round the head as well.”

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