Monday 10 August 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Everyone else spends far too much time on their phone, insists everyone


People using smartphones too much

A survey has found that everyone thinks everyone else spends too much time using smartphones.

“Yeah, that’s definitely true,” said bucket-shaper Simon Williams.

“I mean, my kids, right, they spend so much time on their smartphones that their fingers have fused together in a horrific claw shape suitable for only holding smartphones.”

“Sometimes I think I should do something about it, but then the Yesterday channel is doing a thing on Nazi megastructures and you don’t want to miss that.”

Interestingly, whilst the survey found that everyone thought that everyone else uses their phone too much, everyone also thought that they, personally, did not.”

“What, me? No, I just use it for Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, the Forums, Linkedin, the Sport, the stock market, porn, the weather in Nairobi, bomb-making equipment, the mating cycle of the Pekinese Green Cockatoo, and as a replacement for my cold, dead, hateful, loveless marriage.”

“No, I’m fine. But you see some people are never off their phones.”

The survey found that everyone thinks that benefit claimants are the worst.

“It’s benefit claimants who are the worst,” continued Mr Williams.

“They just sit home playing Candy Crush on their phones all day.”

“Whereas me? I’m a hardworking man, so I have to make the effort to slope off to the bog nine times a day to play Candy Crush.”

“I’m on level 912.”

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