Thursday 6 August 2015 by DavyWavy

Australian cricket team applies for political asylum


Ashes cricket team claim asylum

The Australian cricket team has applied for political asylum this afternoon, claiming they face severe mental and physical abuse if they return to their home country. 

Lawyers representing the team have claimed that the abuse they will face if returned home cannot be expressed in the English Language, largely because that’s not what Australians actually speak. 

The Home Office is reported to be taking the application extremely seriously after spending about five minutes reading their fellow countrymen’s comments on Twitter. 

“My God, the abuse,” a clearly shaken Home Office spokesman told us. “Some of it is frankly indescribable.”

“To be honest some of it is incomprehensible, as well. What the heck is  ‘a pack of drongoes worse than a wombat’s arse and a dead dingoes donger of runs?'” He asked. 

“Whatever it is, it sounds pretty serious to us.”

Members of the team fear serious reprisals from fellow Australians, and are reported to be hiding out in the dressing room under armed guard. 

Meanwhile migrants at Sangatte are reported to have formed a cricket team and are currently challenging all comers in the hope it’ll boost their chances. 

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