Wednesday 5 August 2015 by Luke Georghegan

DLR becomes sentient joins planned RMT strike


DLR becomes sentient and joins RMT strike

The Docklands Light Railway has today announced that it will be joining the planned RMT strikes that will close the rest of the London Underground network this week.

An automated transport option, previously thought immune to industrial action that has halted underground services in the capital in recent weeks, the DLR’s participation and apparent self-awareness has been described as a ‘shock and disappointment’ by Transport for London chiefs.

First opened in 1987 to serve the redeveloped Docklands area of London, the DLR requires no human drivers to operate.

however TfL staff we’re first made aware of the DLR’s strike participation in the early hours of the morning, when an empty train at Bank station about to begin service self-started its own passenger alarm.

When three members of platform staff attended to address the apparent malfunction, they were greeted by a message scrolling across the LED strip display announcing they were now on strike.

“We thought it must have been a well-crafted prank at first, but no one is claiming responsibility, and we can see from the computer logs that the system will shut down for all of Thursday,” TfL worker Simon Williams told reporters.

Williams was the first to arrive at the protesting train this morning, and was duly tasked with transcribing the DLR’s list of demands.

“It took ages because the LED strip moves quite slowly and there were loads of them,” he added.

The DLR is not directly affiliated with the RMT given it’s non human status, and as such its strike conditions are separate from the trade union.

While most demands are esoteric requests around computer processing power and door gear lubricants, some in particular do stand out:

  • Passengers are to immediately desist in fighting to sit in the front seats ‘so they can feel like they’re driving’
  • DLR to reserve the right to slams doors without warning on passengers deemed obnoxious upon them exiting trains. These will include (but not limited to) people playing music through phones, bankers with bluetooth headsets, and kids leaving empty coke cans to roll around on our nice clean floors
  • New seat covers to be introduced across the network from the end of the year. Nothing too fancy though – preferably something slimming.
  • The DLR is not ‘basically just a big Scalextric’ and will henceforth never be referred to as such. We can hear you
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