Tuesday 4 August 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Satan ice-skates to work following banker conviction


Ice skates in hell

The devil was excitedly strapping on his new ice-skates this morning following an actual conviction of a banker.

Tom Hayes was found guilty of rigging the libor rates; the rate at which banks lend to each other which, like most banking rates, are completely made up as they go along.

“God bless Tom Hayes” said the Lord of Darkness, “I mean, y’know, not “God bless”, but whatever the equivalent is down here.”

“Everyone always said that a banker would go to jail the day hell freezes over, and lo and behold, it’s ruddy well happened.”

“It’s been a cracking morning; the minions have had a snowball fight, built some snow-devils and had a whale of a time impaling sinners on fresh, pointy icicles.”

“We’re all very grateful to Mr. Hayes for this unscheduled snow-day and look forward to welcoming him in a few years’ time.”

Hell freezes over

Hell’s prisoners were less enthusiastic, as per bloody usual.

“It doesn’t mean much to me” said serial adulterer, Malcolm Bridges, “I’ve been cast into a lake of fire and the minions have worked pretty hard to make sure it stays on fire, despite the sudden snowfall.”

“I would commend their workrate if I wasn’t in such excruciating unending pain.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m due in the sixth circle. No idea what for, but I bet it’s tedious at best.”

Tom Hayes is expected to face up to seven years in prison for his financial crimes.

“Wait until he gets down here” chuckled Satan,

“He’ll look back on those seven years as one might remember a cherished family holiday.”

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