Tuesday 4 August 2015 by Gary Stanton

No plans to shag any children, confirms Cameron


Cameron on Child abuse allegations

Prime Minister, David Cameron, is not planning to have sex with a child in the near future, he confirmed today.

Cameron was responding to reports that former Conservative PM, Ted Heath, was in all probability, an incorrigible, yacht-owning nonce.

Rumours of Heath’s behaviour during the Three-Day week have raised a number of questions about what exactly he was up to on the other two.

The PM also confirmed that when checking into secluded guest houses in the south of England, he would be doing so under his real name – the Rt. Hon David Alexander Fauntleroy Cameron, PM.

The news will delight the nation’s underage population who have had a rough time of it of late what with Rotherham.

Cameron said, “The next Queen’s speech will focus primarily on economic growth and house-building, and will have a complete lack of references to buggering a homeless infant.”

“In fact the homeless barely get a mention,” he added.

“Vote Conservative – and get a man who only has consensual sex with fully-grown women.”

Stand-in Labour leader Harriet Harman said the Prime Minister should be applauded for his commitment to not using the over-subscribed House of Commons peer-to-peer network to stare at kids.

The Met Police, meanwhile, confirmed that they are not in possession of any suspicious files in relation to the PM’s sexual peccadilloes, or at least none that will be released ‘within the next thirty years’.

Met Chief, Simon Williams, said, “To our knowledge, the only time the Prime Minister has abused a child is when the dozy twat left his kid in a pub with a heavily intoxicated Michael Gove.”

Williams also urged caution in relation to the claims surrounding Heath, adding, “While Ted Heath might have only shagged a couple of kids, Thatcher raped an entire country.”

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