Tuesday 4 August 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Clean pants and toilet paper sell out in City of London


toilet roll crisis in city of London

Shops in the City of London have announced huge spikes in sales of clean pants and toilet paper after the entire Square Mile appeared to simultaneously shit itself.

It appears the incident is as a result of the 14 year sentence for Tom Hayes, the trader convicted of manipulating the Libor rates.

“I had no idea he’d actually go to prison,” said fellow trader and professional turd Simon Williams.

“I mean, he went to Eton. His father’s a GP. He’s just not the sort of chap who gets sent to prison.”

Five minutes after the sentence was announced there was a huge surge in water demand as office toilets simultaneously flushed.

Williams continued, “You could hear everyone’s bowels turn to water as the implications became clear; if Tom can go to prison, any of us can.”

“I was one of the lucky ones, I made it to the gents, and there was still a bit of paper left, but I saw a few of my colleagues’ secretaries discreetly popping to M&S to get them new pants.”

It is understood that literally every human being in the City of London is currently under suspicion of some form of financial crime from selling junk bonds to tax avoidance.

Even the parish vicar is thought to have been money laundering for the Mexican Drug cartels – but as he has his own private bathroom, embarrassment was averted.

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