Friday 31 July 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Sam Allardyce named as new Taliban leader


Sam Allardyce Taliban

In a surprise move, the Taliban have named British football manager Sam Allardyce their new leader after the death of long-term leader Mullah Omar.

“We were looking for a safe pair of hands who could take our fundamentalism on to the next level,” said a spokesperson for the popular appalling terror group.

“And we feel that big Sam is the man to do that.”

Football and terror pundits have been left stunned by the announcement.

“I don’t know what to make of it,” said the Times Rory Smith.

“I think most of us were expecting Sam to take a few months break after West Ham, which I think was a difficult time for him, and then return to a mid-level premiership job in winter.”

“Instead he’s decided to take over a murderous collective of fundamentalist lunatics in one of the harshest places on Earth, but I suppose once you’ve lived in Bolton…”

Big Sam is expected to operate from an unknown location in the mountains of Pakistan and take a pragmatic approach to running the Taliban.

“Oh aye, I’ll keep it tight at that back, that’s for sure, and then just make sure to create as many chances as we can.”

“Our biggest problem? Drones.”

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