Friday 31 July 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Michel Platini boosts FIFA presidency hopes with conversion to Satanism


Michel Platini

Michel Platini moved a step closer to the FIFA presidency with his conversion to Satanism yesterday.

“It is true,” said the popular ex-French International.

“I have given my soul to the dark one.”

Although not mandatory, it is expected that FIFA presidents be ardent Satanists ever since João Havelange invoked demonic powers to succeed Stanley Rous in 1974.

Mr Platini was previously not thought evil enough to take the reins at FIFA but is believed to have impressed the cloven-hooved one with his support for Qatar’s World Cup bid and subsequent murderous use of slave labour to prepare the stadiums.

The conversion to Satanism is just the first step for prospective FIFA leaders.

“He will bathe in the blood of virgins for two weeks,” explained Simon Williams, author of ‘Football and shitheads – the history of FIFA‘.

“Which will be especially tricky for him. Not so much the blood, but as a Frenchman, the bathing bit will be a struggle.”

“Next will be the sacrifice of one of his children, and I understand they’re being quite sulky about that. But that’s teenagers for you.”

“Finally, there will be the secret ritual of the FIFA presidency, a terrifying rite of such profound evil that only the worst, most corrupt, morally empty human beings can possibly survive it.”

It is understood that Sepp Blatter performs the ritual every Sunday ‘for fun’.

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